Those Phrases shared by My Parent Which Helped Us when I became a First-Time Dad

"I think I was just just surviving for a year."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

However the actual experience rapidly proved to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver as well as caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, each diaper… each outing. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward statement "You're not in a healthy space. You need support. In what way can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While people is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a larger failure to talk among men, who continue to absorb negative perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing time and again."

"It's not a display of failure to seek help. I failed to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - especially in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to ask for a pause - spending a few days abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings in addition to the logistical chores of taking care of a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked stable male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, profound trauma caused his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "terrible actions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to things that are harmful," he says. "They might short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Advice for Getting By as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a friend, your spouse or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical health - a good diet, staying active and if you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - listening to their stories, the messy ones, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help is not failure - prioritising you is the most effective way you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead give the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the feelings constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their struggles, transformed how they talk, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… sitting with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."